Yesterday was a bad day for me.
Unfortunately, I did end up having a bit of a teary session right at my desk – something I have tried not to do as I don’t want the whole office to see me crying. It just crept up on me and overwhelmed me – there was nothing I could do about it. I then had to do the walk to the bathroom, so a few other people probably got to see it too. No doubt after I left it caused the gossipers to recreate a scene not dissimilar to the opening scene of Macbeth.
I knew it would be a bad day. I went out with the mind set that it was going to be a bad day, so I don’t know what I was expecting to make it different. I am already starting to feel extremely anxious about what the outcome of our hospital appointment on Monday will be – that, combined with more questions from people about Bump, just sent me into a mini meltdown.
So I went home, lay on the couch and didn’t feel any better at all. I just got more agitated.
Today, so far, is better. I have had my little whinge already (only one person saw this time). Since then I have been ok, even had a bit of a joke with some people. I can’t guarantee what mood I will be in when I wake up. I don’t know if it’s a day were everything is going to get on top of me or whether it’ll be a day when I can handle things a bit better. I just have to take one day at a time – bit of a cliché I know.
Until I know what I’m dealing (hopefully next week), people are going to be subject to my ridiculous mood swings. Just in case anyone who knows me was going to say it; yes, they are more ridiculous than normal.
Had a day with Tinkerbell today as she’s not been well. We spent the day lying on the couch in our pyjamas, watching children’s films and eating toast.
Matilda is the favourite film at the moment – did you know Miss Trunchbull refers to the children as “pissworms”? Surely you can’t say that in a film certified ‘U’?
Anyway, we snuggled and it was lovely. I love it when she presses her little face and hands onto my face.
She went to her dad’s this evening. I get sad when she goes. The house feels empty and quiet. I have to be kept busy the first night that she goes, whilst I get used to her not being there.
Tonight’s entertainment was a meal out. Brilliant idea it was on the way there. Shocking idea it is now as I lay here actually feeling my stomach expand. Food was delicious but I swear I have never felt as uncomfortable as I do now. In fact, the thought of ever eating again makes me want to cry uncontrollably for a good couple of hours.
I think eating is my comfort thing, so I expect I’ll put on a good few pounds over the next couple of weeks. I look like a space hopper.
Have created a Flickr page to save the blog photos to. Hopefully it’ll encourage my partner, who is very good at photography by the way, to pull his finger out and take some pics for the blog. (Hint, hint – he’ll read this.)
Reality did hit with a bit of a bang when we got home. Some clothes that we bought for Bump are in our living room on a chair. I should put them away I guess so I don’t have to keep looking at them, but something stops me from doing it – I don’t know what. Despite the fact they make me feel a bit sad, I still like to look at them.
One week tomorrow until the next scan. I have a feeling the upcoming week will drag more than last week.
I’m not looking forward to going back to work again tomorrow, had one too many questions/statements last Thursday for my liking – “when are you due?” “have you started buying stuff?” “you should be getting excited now!”
I don’t really know how to control my emotions. I mainly either cry, get angry or just stare into space. There are a few people who have the ability to still make me laugh which is good, they tend to talk to me about other stuff though. They talk to me normally and not like they’re desperately trying to just think of something to take my mind off things.
This blog sort of contradicts what I say. If I didn’t do this however, I’d bottle everything up and not talk about it at all. That can’t be good either.