Bad memory, bad hair!

So it would appear that someone has removed all of my memory cells over the last couple of weeks. I stand in the bathroom some mornings and think “Am I meant to be washing my hair? Did I do it last night? Why am I in here?”

I have also forgotten everything I’m meant to do in work, to the point of printing off my To Do List template to write things down so I don’t forget, and instead forgetting I’ve even printed off the list . I’m trying to weigh up what’s best – to give people a little information as to what’s going on, or just still not tell people and hope they don’t think I’m turning into a total loon. I feel if I tell people though, then it might come across like I’m trying to play on the situation.

Memory isn’t the only problem – I look ROUGH when I see myself in the mirror. In fact, someone said to me this morning that I look “rough as toast.” It’s not like I normally think I look that good that I’m going to be gracing the next cover of Vogue; but there’s a difference between putting a bit of effort into your appearance and just looking like you couldn’t be bothered opening the door to your house last night so slept in the hedge. My eyes are tired and a sort of strange colour of greyish/purple underneath (I’ve not been fighting) despite the concealer. My hair is inexplicable. My skin just looks plain weird. And I’m developing chocolate thighs. Right at this moment in time, though, I really don’t care. I’ll probably start caring when I look so dishevelled that my partner wakes up one morning, sees me and starts screaming in fright.

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Whack it on full volume and “shake, shake”

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This morning was a two chocolate bar morning in work. I feel very tired and a couple of people asked me how my 20 week scan had gone. Unfortunately, I did have a wobble and a bit of a cry.

Thankfully I finished at lunchtime today. So I drove back in the sunshine and decided to put some music on loud to drown out my thoughts and because music has the ability to make people smile.

For anyone that feels sad and wants to feel happy, if only for a few minutes, I highly recommend putting on “Shake It” by Metro Station and singing along.

Daughter (who I shall now refer to as Tinkerbell as she wants to be a fairy, though she did tell us not that long ago that when she grew up she wanted to dig and when asked what she was going to dig for, she replied with “cats”) and I used to have a Saturday morning dance off in the kitchen. We’d put on cheesy music and just dance like idiots until we couldn’t breathe. It seems to have stopped happening in recent months, so maybe I should bring back the dance off because it makes me smile. For a little while, at least, hopefully it’ll make me forget and stop stressing.

Sunshine & black cloud.

Today it was getting light as I drove to work. I like it when this starts to happen as it means that spring/summer (if you can class our summer as summer) is on its way. Sunshine and warm air has the tendency to make people feel happier. On the negative side though, it also has that terrible ability to make people walk around in shorts and crop tops (or just topless if they’re male) as soon as the sunshine makes an appearance – no matter what the temperature is. And there are a few people who could probably do with not inflicting that on general society.

It didn’t make me feel very happy this morning though.

One of the biggest things I’d been looking forward to this summer is my partner (when he’s not in work), Bump and I being able to walk my daughter to school and pick her up. I was actually stupidly excited about the thought of it. I don’t get to drop my daughter off at school, unless I’m off work, and the only time I finish work early enough to pick her up is on a Friday. I love it when I do get to take her to school, she gets so giddy when she arrives and hugs her friends. Makes my eyes well up (happy tears though, I don’t just cry at everything.) Not only was Bump’s arrival going to be exciting within itself but it meant spending more time with my daughter. I’d also be off work for the summer holidays too. We would all be able to go to the park, go to the beach, go for evening walks etc. It was going to be perfect.

Today I feel a bit like the odds are against us. I keep going over and over in my head all that’s been said at the meetings, and the negative things outweigh the positive things. Try as I might to focus on Bump arriving, I still always have the possible terrible outcomes at the back of my mind. I’m too scared to be excited.

On a positive note – work wise, today can’t have been as bad as yesterday because it was only a two chocolate bar day.

Work and chocolate.

It was the first day back at work today, after our “eventful” week last week.

I found it tough (4 chocolate bars worth of tough). I didn’t want to make a mass announcement about what was going on, as I don’t think I could stand all the “sympathy” looks. Also I didn’t want to give the gossipers something to stand at the top of the stairs chatting about in their hushed voices.

A few people asked me whether I had a “nice week off” and I don’t suppose it’s fair, despite almost doing it, to reply with “No actually, I didn’t. It was pretty much at the top there for worst week ever. How about you?”

This blog allows me to hide behind a computer screen and tell people what’s going on, without having to tell them face to face. I’ve never been one for talking; give me a pen/computer however, and I don’t shut up.

I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything else at the moment, just this and family. I don’t want to talk to people but, at the same time, don’t want to be on my own. I find the whole thing so confusing.

Have had one reply to my emails, with a link to a support network; and a few people have been kind enough to retweet my blog address for me.

Thank you to those that have sent out links to the blog and those that have commented. It really does mean a lot.

The 2 week countdown for the next scan started today. It seems like a lifetime away. I’m hoping that this time we’ll get a bet idea of what is going to happen, and not be left with a whole load more of questions which can’t yet be answered. Until then, I’ll just continue to eat chocolate and trawl the net.

It’s just one of those things.

Trying to find another person whose baby has this exact thing is starting to become my obsession. How can it be that rare? There must be someone.

I’ve written to more organisations and still not heard anything. Maybe its because their administrators don’t work at weekends and then come Monday I’ll be inundated with replies – I’m not hopeful though.

I don’t know why I can’t just accept it and get on with it, I think I need a reason as to why its happened/happening and some idea of what is likely to happen over the next few weeks. “It’s just one of those things” is not a good enough answer to me at the moment. How do I know it won’t happen again if we have another child?!

My daughter has symbrachydactyly on one of her hands, that was explained away as “just one of those things” after her having all kinds of tests. There’s a lot of information available on this though, and I’ve seen plenty of other people with it to varying degrees. She gets on with everything, she doesn’t know any different. She has occasionally asked me why she has a “little hand” but other than that she doesn’t seem to let it phase her.

We did have a slightly funny/distressing conversation about it a couple of months back:

Daughter: Did you cut my fingers off?

Me: What? No! Why would you think that?

Daughter: I’ve told my friends you did.

Me: Pardon? Well are you going to tell them I didn’t?

Daughter (with a bit of a sly smile): Nope!!

I’m glad she can joke about it sometimes though. She doesn’t really like talking about it or drawing attention to it, unless she brings it up. So we go about doing everything like it’s not there and then when she needs help, we help. I did worry that she might get picked on at school but all the children have been very accepting of it and I think it has only been mentioned a couple of times (even then only out of curiosity).

I think I worry that it is something I’ve done whilst pregnant, that my daughter, and now my unborn baby, have had problems. The professor at the hospital did laugh though and say that if he could link the two he would be “a very rich man” and its nothing I’ve done.

They have both been “just one of those things”.